Why Sarah and I Had to Break Up, a Commentary on Parenting

Sarah and I did not break up because of any personal differences or disagreements. We were quite happy together, but circumstances intervened.Those specific circumstances related to Sarah’s parents’ feelings about me. Having only come into contact with me once (and briefly at that) her parents decided that I was unworthy of their daughter’s attention and affections.

You have to understand that Sarah was in a very difficult spot when she realized her husband was abusive and she had to get out of her marriage to him. She and her daughter had no place else to turn but her parents’ house due to some financial burden she had acquired. Her parents, in turn, have grown to suspect her judgment as unilaterally poor and incapable of improvement.

Now, this is something I have a lot of difficulty understanding because it is so far removed from my own experience. My parents trust my judgment, not only because it’s incredibly sound but also because they trust that I will make mistakes and be a better person for them. It’s one thing to implicitly trust that everything I decide to do will be good for me and the greatest benefit to all, but it’s another, more important, thing to believe that I’m alway capable of bettering myself, that I can make bad decisions that inform my future decision-making process.It’s really unbelievable to me that Sarah’s parents think she’s so far gone that they won’t believe in her ability to improve herself. They think that because she married a guy like her ex-husband (abusive alcoholic drug addict) she can only choose someone who is detrimental to her well-being. They have since refused to actually meet me to confirm or deny their prejudices. Sarah pleaded with them on my behalf to just sit down for a meal with me once, so they can get a genuine impression of me and see who I am and what I’m all about, but they insisted that they already knew enough to know they didn’t want her around me. Instead, they threatened the things most dear to Sarah, forcing her, in the most juvenile and asinine way, to an ultimatum, a “choice.” “It’s Ian or Kaylin,” they said.

Kaylin is Sarah’s two-year-old daughter. Sarah worked extremely hard through her divorce proceedings to maintain custody of her daughter (which she won) and now these people (her parents) want to use the poor little toddler as leverage to object to someone their daughter is dating. They want to take legal action against their twenty-three-year-old daughter because she chose someone they don’t like.
Please allow me to remind you that these people have never met me. All they know about me comes from Sarah and whatever is left public on Facebook. True, there are pictures of me on Facebook smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and dressing in women’s clothing on Halloween, but those mostly take place in college and I have no shame about my growing-up process.

At this point, I have to concede that their objections and the “choice” they have forced Sarah to have nothing to do with me. There is something strange going on with that family’s dynamic, and I have become another weapon for them to use against each other. For Sarah, I represent an exit strategy, a way to move out of her parents’ house. I have a stable job, no financial debts, and a generally positive outlook on life. She would do well to marry me and live happily ever after, and I represent the kind of life she wants for herself. She aspires to be in my position. For her parents, on the other hand, I represent Sarah’s incorrigible rebelliousness, another anonymous male for her to fling herself at in hopes of being whisked away from the comfort and security she so takes for granted so that she can be used, abused, and tossed away at a moment’s notice only to come crawling back eventually to Mom and Dad.
There is a very complicated relationship between these people, and it has nothing to do with me. Being the stable and healthy person I am (not to mention the stable, healthy relationship I had heretofore enjoyed with Sarah) her parents found no trouble in creating this demonized understanding of me, so they must object to and condemn what I represent, not what I am. I’d like to believe that Sarah is more attached to me for who I am than merely what I represent, but part of the reason they object so much to me could be that I primarily represent a chance at freedom to Sarah. This notion they have is so threatening to them that they put forth their own granddaughter as a weapon in their battle with their daughter, and that’s where I had to draw the line.

First and foremost, I don’t like the idea of children being removed from their parents, unless their parents are unfit to raise them. I’ve spent some time with Sarah and Kaylin, and I believe whole-heartedly that she is fully capable of raising a healthy child, so long as she is not coerced to continue living like a child herself. Unfortunately, due to her financial situation, she has little choice but to live with a great deal of support from her parents, but she won’t be able to change that until she alleviates those debts. I have also had to spend some time living at home due to financial hardship, but I was able to save up money and move out on my own rather successfully. 
Second, I think that ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships. They represent the total breakdown of communication and respect, and instead mark the devolution of the relationship to a stark assertion of the power one party has over another. I object to this “choice” on the grounds that it is undermining to Sarah’s relationship with her parents, and her relationship with me. 

Lastly, I’m nearly twenty-five years old. While I’m incredibly interested in the people who raised the women I date, I’m only going to seek their permission when I intend to marry their daughters. I am an adult, and as such see no reason to let any other adult meddle in my affairs without my explicit invitation to do so.
Sarah and I talked about it, and decided that removing myself from the equation was the best thing to do. This is not my battle to fight, it is a years-long battle between Sarah and her parents, and I have no business being in the middle of it. Nor do I want to find myself in that position. The three of them need to work on improving their relationship before I’ll consent to participate in any part of it.

It really is a shame, because those of you who know me personally know that I was very happy with Sarah, and those of you fortunate to have known the two of us together know that we were very positive influences on each other. That being said, I’ve been in very healthy relationships before that had to end for one reason or another, and I’ve survived them, even finding happiness on the other side.
Now, as always, everything is totally manageable.